The Big Harry
by Rutger Hendrikson
Summary: A private detective comes to Hogwarts to solve Snape's unfinished business and soon Draco finds himself entwined in the middle of a mysterious mystery and possibly Harry! Possible slash. Rating may go up. NO FLAMES.
1. Chapter 1

…… **author's note**: This story takes place in the fifth year. The characters in this story don't belong to me Philip Marloe belongs to Raymond Chandler. (lol that's perveted) Please R&R and tell me if it sucks and thanks for reading! I want everyone to mail theur suggestions I might even put slash in ;)

On a stormy evening, Harry Potter sat reading ominously in the Gryffindor Common Room in a dark corner. His black hair drooped over his white forehead and his green eyes shone like emeralds. His friends Hermoine and Ron were next to him. Fred and George were playing Wizard's Chess, squabbling. Suddenly Harry heard a knock on the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"WHO'S THERE!!!" Harry shouted as he leaped to his feet and soared in front of the portrait. He swung the portrait open vigorously. To his surprise he saw a fazed-looking man with an American accent and dark features in a trenchcoat like Sherlock Holmes with black hair in a mullet standing there.

"What do you want, Muggle?" Harry snarled aggressively.

"My name is Phillip Marlowe and I am a teacher here." the man spoke timidly. "Would you happen to know where the office of Professor Snape is?"

"Well buddy I've been a student here for five years and trust me I dunno of any Mister Phillip damn American Marlowe!" Harry snarkled.

The man's brown eyes burned in spurned anger. "I'm new at this place, kid. Now tell me where the hell Professor Snape is!"

"Fine!" Harry snapped as he came out from the behind the wall. "I'll show you all right, buddy. So your looking for Snape huh?"

"Yeah." said Marlowe as Harry led him down the stairs .

"Okay." Harry said. "BTW, what are you teaching here?"

"We'll see about that." said Marlowe.

"Damn Americans! So secretive. You're American, right?" said Harry.

"Yah." said Marlowe.

"Well, I'll see you later buddy." Said Harry as he lead Marlowe in front of the stairs. Marlowe vanished into Snape's room. As Harry turned, he saw Draco Malfoy smirking in front of him.

"Who the hell was that?" Malfoy questioned, his piercing grey eyes alight.

"Dunno, he calls himself Philip Marlowe." Harry said darkly.

"You let a fucking Muggle into the school. Typical of you, Potter." Malfoy said coyly.

"Shut you mouth before I put one in you." Harry snapped and he trudged up the stairs.


	2. The class

The next day Harry took a seat in the center Great Hall next to Ron and Hermionie. He immediately saw Marlowe as he sat next to Snape. He was smoking a cigar in his plaid suit. McGonagall stared at him in annoyance. Harry had not told anyone about his encounter with Marlowe, now he turned to Ron and Hermionie.

"See that old fuck over there in the plaid suit?" Harry grunted pessimisticly. "He's a new teacher- or so he claims to be. Met him yesterday." Meanwhile he could hear Malfoy bitching in the background: "I can't believe they'd let a Muggle here." he hissed while Crab and Goyle laughed. Harry was about to say something else to Ron when Dubledore stood up to make an announcement. The folds of his deep purple gown rippled.

"I must say that I have an announcement to make." he said wisely wisdom in his voice. "As some of you may have noticed, a new teacher has joined our number. I would like to introduce Professor Marlowe." Harry gasped as Marlowe stood up. ""Marlowe weill be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts alongusde Proffesor Snape. Additionally, he shall be the assistant head of Slytherin House." Dumbledore announced. (note: in this version of the story Snape teaches DAD as well as potions in fifth year.)

Harry couldn't believe his eyes. The next class he had was DAD. Angrily, he swallowed the rest of his food. He arrived at his Defense against the Dark Arts Class soon. To his utter surprise, he saw Marlowe in his tweed trenchcoat sitting beside Snape in his black robes and hooked nose. Malfoy and his cronies were sitting at their tables in disgust.

"A man in Muggle dress the Head of Slytherin. Sickening." Malfoy said.

Ron wne to sit down but Harry was too furious.

"You may take your seat, boy." Snape sniped silkily. Harry sat down seething with confusion. Now that everyone was seated, Marlowe sauntered to the front of the class.

"As you may know, Philip and I shall be teaching a joint class together." Snape said.

""Hell yeah." Harry said under his breath.

"In other words, most of you probably aren't big enough asshats not to know what's going on." Marlowe said in his American accent. Suddenly, he retrieved something big and shiny from his pocket. Something Hairy had only seen in films and he was pretty damn sure most of his classmates hadn't seen before. With an assassin's effiecience he pressed the trigger of it with his hand high in the air. Everyone, including Snape, jumped back in their seats in shock. Snape recoiled in surprise. Harry was stunned.

"Holy schmuck! What was that all about?" gasped Ron in Harry's tingling ear.

"This," Marlowe grunted. "Is a Smith&Wesson.""

"Philip! What mind-altering substance are you under the influence of??? You were not meant to show that to the students!" Snape gasped in his English accent.

"People want to do shit to you." Marlowe drawled to the students, ignoring Snape. "Most of you are old enough to know that." He looked briefly at Harry. " And it suck to know but u gotta protect yourself. Sometimes an abracadabra or a hocus-pocus isn't enough to do that." He wiped a little dust off the pistol.

"Marlowe! What in the name of Merlin?-" Snape was horrified.

"Dames and fellows, I bring u the art of self-defence." Marlowe said.

Harry could hear Malfoy speaking to his friends. "This man is fucking insane. What has possessed him to show us such ridiculous Muggle weapons? My father shall be speaking with Dumbledore for sure!" he sniffed.

"I'm as insane as hell, Blondie, if by insane you mean 'really goddamn wise'." Marlowe reassured a shocked Malfoy. "Now, who wants to give this thing a try?"

Harry was really surprised now. Was Marlowe really going to teach them how to use a Muggle weapon?

"Hey Har, why don't you give it a go?" Ron suggested.

"Nice try, buddy." Harry snickered but just then Marlowe called him.

"You, Potter." he told Harry.

"Uh, I'd rather-" Harry stumbled.

"I said you, Potter." Marlowe said with Californian sternness. Reluctantly, Harry stood up. Marlowe handed him the pistol. It was cold in his hands.

"Well, go ahead, kid. Shoot. Fucking shoot me!" Marlowe partied waving his hands.

"Huh? I can't-"

"I said shoot me! Fucking do it!"

In confused incognito, Harry fired the gun. Was he about to become a murderer? Oh no-

"I'm wearing a bulletproof vest." Marlowe informed the class calmly as the bullet pierced his chest.

"Holy crap!" Ron squeaked.

"I'm perfectly fine." Marlowe snarkled as he opened his shirt to reveal the vest. "Oh, damn." he looked at the vest. "Pot, if I hadn't been wearin' this-" he began to whisper at Harry. "Kid, have you ever been in the Marines?"

"I'm fifteen and English, asshat." Harry snarled.

"Are you a cop?"

"Hell no!"

"Well then holy shit, because you have the best aim I've ever seen!" Marlowe whispered earnestly. "If I hadn't been wearing that vest, damn, I'd have been a goner faster then you could say holy fuckdamnit! You have real talent there, kid."

"Um, thanks, man." Harry rushed to his seat.

"Whose next?" Marlowe grinned.

"I'll do it!" Parvati Patil said before anyone else.

"Damn, the broads were never good at this business." Marlowe groaned but he let her do it anyway. She missed, shooting Snape's desk instead. Snape shook in his chair, horrified. After Parvati, Ron had his turn. He too missed by far, almost putting one in Snape's chair.

"Damn, I feel like a fucking man!" he said as he returned to his seat. Harry smiled.

"Next!" called Marlowe gruffly. This time, he was met by the whole class, except for Malfoy, Crabb, Goyl and Pansy Parkingson raising their hands. Crabb and Goyl looked like they really wanted to try it.

"This is madness! This is insane! Ribald! I shall not have this!" Snape wailed in the background as one by one, almost everyone in the class had their turn. None were as good as Harry, but a few did well and no one ended up being hurt.

After everyone had had their turns, Marlowe dismissed the class. Snape was glarring at him. Marlowe gave a thumbs-up sign to Harry before he left.

"Shucks, this dude is cool!" Ron said to Harry and Harry had to agree. He even regretted dismissing Marlowe at first. But little did he know that he would soon find out the true reason for the man's being at Hogwarts.


End file.
